In the past year my sexuality underwent something of a quantum shift. Changing utterly, beyond any, and all previous understanding. Leaving me a completely new per…well no not really. In reality I just realised that I could accept that I fancied a particular boy. And then I asked him out.
Asking him out wasn’t a small act. Despite the fact that it was accidental like almost all of my asking outs (It’s a real word in my head, okay?) of people. Seriously I have a well grounded tradition of accidentally asking people out…
But it was, and still is a big deal for me. After 2 months of being involved with my Boylesquer I’m still trying to understand this change in me. Hell I’m still trying to understand if it really is a change, or just my truly accepting something that I’ve always believed anyway.
What’s that Amanda?
Well I believe that no matter how straight, or gay you feel you are, there’s always the potential for one person of your non-prefered gender to knock your socks clean off. It happens all the time. I think just about everyone has that straight/gay friend, who has been straight/gay their whole lives, never deviating. Then suddenly they have a girl/boyfriend.
But this then leads to a language question. One that dovetails rather neatly with a bdsm post I wrote a while ago.
Are they bisexual? Or are they still a lesbian (or whatever), who just happens to have met their exception to the normal rules?
You see people say all the time that sexuality, like gender is a spectrum. But then they insist on slapping that type of phrase into a cage made up of a very confining, rather binary language. Leaving people who have been with one guy, ever, in the position of having to say that they’re bisexual, or Pansexual, or queer, or (insert makey uppey word), when they don’t know if that word actually applies to them. It’s an uncomfortable place to be stuck in, especially if your one of those writer types who uses labels the same way other people use oxygen. Writers of course mostly being bitter soul-destroyed anaerobic lifeforms, with concentrated, neat vodka for blood.
So getting back to me I’ve been left trying to find a word, or a term that I can use to comfortably explain who I am.
Am I bisexual? I don’t think so. I like my boylesquer a lot, I mean he’s cute, charming, sweet, intelligent, talented, ripped to fuck, well groomed, and has a very spankable ass. But he’s just about the only boy I’ve ever actually been into. (Kitten please stop laughing, and pointing at your Sir!)
I do adore transwomen, natal-women, and one or two utterly genderless individuals so am I some weird sort of Pansexual? Probably not, even though I mostly identify as a Futagirl (At its simplest girl who’s happy to have a girlcock, but wishes she also had a pretty kitty.) the operative part of that word is “girl”. The truth is I’m attracted to girls, of any sort. Hence my having a new girl-crush basically every day of the week. As for the genderless people…they’re just hot and let’s leave it at that, otherwise I may have no functioning mind by this time next week. But the girl, and primarily (99.99%) into girls would surely mean lesbian, right?
Okay so I’m left with a problem, how do I define myself?
Yeah, yeah I hear some of you saying “But Amanda, why do you have to define yourself?”
I just do, okay? You get to be all airy-fairy about defining yourself if you want, I get to be a pedantic bitch about myself if I want to. And I need to, otherwise I start to derail.
I guess the best way to define myself is to say that I am a lesbian with some bisexual tendencies. Or I’m a dyke with a fetish for one special guy. Or, I don’t know, I’m a meat-popcicle would you like a lick?
But really the best definition of my sexuality at the moment is probably “confused as fuck.” Because while I know that women of any sort totally light up my world, I don’t know yet how to integrate my adoration for a certain boylesquer into how I see myself. But life, especially when combined with a rather active sex-life, is a huge ongoing lesson. I’ll learn from this, probably excruciatingly slowly, but someday I will know exactly how to see myself in this new light.
And then I’ll probably want to get very, very drunk.