*this was originally printed in BOLT magazine and is reposted and somewhat rewritten here with the consent of BOLT’s Editor in Chief.
The paddle, beautiful, functional and it saves a Mistress from getting a really sore hand.
BDSM always seems to get a lot of bad press, literally. Usually when it’s seen in the news it’s because someone was horribly abused by someone they trusted with their lives or even because someone has died in weird, very kinky, sexually fueled circumstances. And there’s no denying that abuse does happen in BDSM relationships. People do get hurt in ways that run counter to what they have given consent for. But then again that is far too often also the sad reality of completely vanilla relationships. The sad fact is that all walks of life are filled with abusive assholes no matter how kinky or not you and your lifestyle may be.
But I believe, no more than that I know that BDSM can be a force for immense good in a person’s life. It can be the source of incredible strength and the catalyst that triggers vast personal growth. Aspects of it can give some people a reason to live when suicide seems all too attractive to them. It can be a framework for deeply intense, loving and above all mutually respectful relationships.
In other words it can be something worthy of respect and praise. Every bit as much as the traditional vanilla monogamous relationship.
So that said it’s time I started to explore the world of BDSM that I see and share with the world a vision I hold dear in the hope that it will entertain all, educate some and help at the very least a few.
But before continuing please note that the definitions and terms I use in any BDSM blog are not by any means meant to be definitive in their nature. The meaning of words such as slavegirl, Mistress and even kinkiness are ephemeral at best. The way I use them in these articles reflects my own personal experience within the lifestyle so I hope you have safe, sane and above all consensual fun finding your own definitions
So now if everyone is sitting comfortably we’ll begin with a simple question. What is a Mistress?
Hollywood would have us believe that a Mistress is a cold, dark, seductive temptress. Who in a huskily sexy voice hand out stern commands which must be obeyed or else you, the poor powerless submissive, will suffer an uncertain future of punishment and humiliation.
Hollywood as is usual gets it mostly wrong.
Some Mistresses are dark and seductive, some of them even have the sort of husky voice that can melt a spinal column at fifty paces. But most aren’t, most are just incredibly normal women who happen to be domineering as hell and joyfully embrace that dominant nature.
The key to beginning to define what a Mistress is starts with the word dominant. Mistresses are all to a greater or lesser extent what the rest of the world would call, bossy bitches. They love to be in control, more often than not, of almost everything in their lives. Now that doesn’t mean that they’re necessarily kinky. Most Mistresses are kinky and do in fact have a toy bag somewhere in their house filled with pretty leather things designed to make a bold submissive’s bottom hurt. But there are some who are content to just control day-to-day life in their own homes with a razor wire tongue and a vicious, flesh rending wit.
Where Hollywood does get it mostly right is that if you don’t obey your Mistress your future will more than likely be filled with interesting punishments. Anyone for picking up a kilo of rice, one grain at a time with a tweezers?
So Mistresses are dominant. Good start and for an awful lot of women that’s all there is to being a Mistress, being dominant. I am dominant therefore I am a Mistress. Aha, right, does that come with a secret decoder ring?
Would you guess that I am not one of those women?
Being dominant is to my mind, and to the minds of the better Mistresses I have known in my life, simply one aspect of the mind which can sometimes lead a woman onto the path of becoming a Mistress.
The title of this article is “The Good Mistress” for a reason. I don’t intend to flood the pages of my blog with horror stories, though I have far too many I could share. I do intend to paint a picture of what the BDSM lifestyle can be and what I believe it should be. Yes there are bad Mistresses, just as there are bad doctors, bad drivers and bad politicians. But there are also amazing Mistresses who walk through this world as wonderful examples of how you can be a Dominatrix and a beautiful, loving, weirdly gentle person.
What is a good Mistress? A good Mistress is complicated and if she is truly good cursed.
She is of course dominant. But that dominance instead of making her little more than a bully makes her the sort of person who wants, even needs to lead. She is the one who when she looks at her slavegirl asks the most important question that any Mistress can ask.
“How can I guide her in becoming a better person than she already is?”
The good Mistress is the one who when she sees a talent that is unused by her slavegirl makes sure that talent gets exercised. She is the Mistress who takes the time to very carefully compose a code for her slavegirl to live by. A basic set of rules that will help mould the girl in to what she might become with a firm but gentle hand guiding her. The good Mistress is as much a surrogate big sister to her slavegirl as she is a kink fuelled lover. Though thankfully without the risk of jail time that would be the cost of a truly incestuous relationship.
For the better Mistresses their lifestyle is more often a journey of personal growth than a way of getting some housework done by someone who will also be a source of hot loving on demand. This means that being a Mistress should most of the time be not so much about giving difficult tasks and expecting them to be done or punishment will ensue. Rather it is usually about giving lots of small relatively easy commands that gently guide the submissive on to what the Mistress, and often the submissive also, perceives to be a better path for them.
I haven’t mentioned latex, leather, whips, chains, shibari, strap-ons or even gags. They’re nothing more than props. Quite frankly having a great toy-bag doesn’t make you anything more than a collector of kinky sex toys. What makes any Mistress good or bad is what resides inside her head and especially inside her heart.
And unfortunately for any Mistress who even aspires to be good at what she does that is where the cursed part comes in. This is something which in the last few weeks has been very painfully brought home to me personally. Just like so many other Mistresses I had a wonderful slavegirl who loved me and I loved her. When we met she was a broken thing, her heart scarred by the sort of abuses the world seems to take so much joy in inflicting on those who are to any great degree submissive.
For two long years I protected her as best I could while we laboured together to make her stronger. Her life was given a greater degree of structure to make sure she had time to do everything she needed done. Her best efforts were always rewarded with little gifts, my arms wrapped tight around her and of course by being loved. The aim was always to help her realise she could be a better person then she ever thought possible. A person who could if it was needed stand alone, a person she could be proud to live her life as. We succeeded and no longer needed for her to be safe or happy and though it has shattered my heart to do so I had to set her free.
The curse of the Good Mistress is that so very often all her effort and love ends with her no longer having a slavegirl. But instead with the world having another strong woman in it proud of her past but looking to a future she now feels able to mold herself. Meanwhile the Mistress who to be any good at all can never truly be cold nurses a joyful but broken heart.
So after all this what is a Mistress? She is dominant yes but she is also warm, caring. She takes broken birds under her wing to heal and while they heal she teaches them. She is sometimes a lover, often a surrogate big sister, always a fierce guardian. But especially, she loves strongly enough to willingly let her slaves go when it is time for them to live free.