The ten most awesome things about being – Transsexual

Why yes Virginia, it’s another list post. This time I’m going to list the top ten things that are awesome about being transsexual. Of course the media tends to paint a “pity me” picture of transsexual people, but guess what? There’s lots that really rocks about being differently gendered. Please note I am writing this list as a non-stealth transwoman, so some of these probably won’t apply to stealth transpeople, and some will have to be translated for the transboys in my audience.

10: A completely new wardrobe. Seriously change gender and start from scratch. Out with the boring jeans and t-shirt/jumper combo and in with…well whatever you damn well want! Which leads nicely to number…

 9: Reinventing yourself. Ever wanted to pull off the “quiet badass”? Or how about the hyper gothgirl? Well this is your chance, figure out what sort of person you will be post transition, and then become that person. How many other people get to do that?

 8: Disturbing your partners children. This one’s kind of particular to transpeople who end up with partners who have adult children. But nothing quite beats that “What The F**K!?” moment when they realise their apparently previously straight mom has brought home a transgirl as a partner.

 7: Little kids telling you that you’re awesome. This seems to only work up til about 7 years of age. But up until that point little kids seem to find transpeople really cool. I guess they think you’re playing a sort of dress up or something. But regardless, very little beats a teeny tiny little girl telling you that you’re “Weally pwetty”.

 6: Telling suitably Christian people that their God is a transwoman. This one just gives me hours of joy when it happens. God apparently having made mankind in his own image, means that one of those images is a 5’10” tall, brown-eyed, big busted, purple haired woman, with an oversized non-vagina adjacent clit. Hey it says it in the bible.

 5: Being everyone’s bisexual blip. This one’s kind of a personal one. Since my gender is a bit more complex that simply male or female, and so many people seem to find me easy on the eyes, I kind of get to be everyone’s bisexual blip. Fun times are had by all. Apart from the boys, because I’m lesbian and ewwwww boy cooties.

 4: Halloween. It really rocks being tall enough to pull off any female superhero. Or better yet being the only dress up Dominatrix who’s tall enough to actually engender some genuine awe. Besides it’s not like I have the wardrobe to pull that off anyway…

 3: Having some extra insight into the other gender. Okay you may have spent half of your life pretending to be the other gender. But that does mean you got to see that side of society with its masks removed. You’re in a unique position to understand, at the very least a little better, what the hell his actual intentions are. Or what she really means when she says “Nothing’s wrong!”.

 2: Being a divine hermaphrodyke. Again a personal one, but one that probably applies to quite a few of you reading. Ancient cultures are filled with Gods, spirits, and other assorted spooky things which were respected and hermaphrodite. You could be seen as embodying that in a modern way. Hey get that you’re divine!

 1: Getting to pull the “I was never a little girl so…” card anytime you want to do anything embarrassingly kiddy in nature. You want to watch The Smurfs on DVD “Yeah but I was never a little girl so…”. You want that rocking new tattooed Barbie with the little dog named Bastardino, “Hey I was never a little girl so…”.  You want to wear a pink onesy, nappy and drink from a sippy cup while your mommy looks after you, occassionally spanking you whe….Umm perhaps I should stop there. But you get the point I’m sure.

Now I really hate that bitch. Great pad, clothes and now she even has more tats than me!

So folks whether you are, or aren’t transsexual, what awesome things can you think of that I’ve left out of the list?

P.S. After writing this I realised what the single best thing about being trannsexual is. I get to be me.

“…as the bishop said to the actress!”

I’m sure all of you have heard, or at least read the classic punch line “…as the bishop said to the actress.”  It’s the punch line to a joke that never really gets started purposefully.  I literally can’t begin to count the number of times myself, or a friend has ended an unintended double entendre with that phrase.  So I thought I would do my top ten favourite set ups for this classic sort of joke.

To take part simply recite “…as the bishop said to the actress!” at the end of each example.  Hope you enjoy, and of course, please feel free to comment and add more.

10. I was having blood taken and the nurse said “Ah sure, it’ll just be a little prick.”…

9.  Oh I was walk in the woods and I fell arse-first onto a tree root…

8.  *speaking of a small pet dog* Oh don’t way any attention to that little prick…

7.  …and they were the plumpest, juciest plums I ever sank my teeth into…

6.  …and they were the biggest, firmest melons I ever laid my hands on, even if they were a wee bit veiny…

5.  Now look, it’s far more scared of you, than you are of it…

4.  I bet you’ve never held one that big before…

3.  So how do you use one of these properly?

2.  …so there I was with it half in me pocket and half in me hand…

1.  Get your lips around that and it’ll do you the world of good…

So now it’s your turn.

Top ten signs you might be a – World of Warcraft player.

Many of us play or have played this addictive MMORPG (Massively Multiplayer Online Role Playing Game).  For most, like myself, it’s a fun game we play for relaxation. For others though it constitutes a genuine full-blown addiction.  So what are some of the signs that you might well be addicted to this game?

10: You have the regular and collectors editions of every expansion, just you know, to have it.

9:  You not only pay your subscription, you actually pay for a full year in advance.  Because you know you’ll still be playing the day they shut down the servers for good.

8:  You buy the pets and mounts that cost real world money.

7:  You have one character for each race and class combination spread across several servers.

6:  You play all of those characters, with precisely the same people in every server.

5:  You actually know who Leroy Jenkins is. (also a recognised sign of YouTube and compter addiction in general)

4:  Your real life partner is your in game partner as well.

3:  And ye had an in-game wedding.

2:  Ye invited all your family and friends to.

1:  This all leading to you naming your first son Thrall and your first daughter Sylvanas Windrunner.

Top ten signs that you might be – a computer addict.

Ah the humble computer, but do you have a problem?  Well let’s see, you might have a computer addiction if…

10: You occasionally wake up your partner, by typing on their back in your sleep.

9: Your keyboard cost more than any three pieces of jewellery you own.

8: Your mouse/trackball is a collector’s item worth more than all the rest of your computer put together.

7: You learned to touch type not in a course, but due to uncountable hours spent chatting with people you don’t even like in chat rooms.

6: You’ve ever had a nightmare that ends with your computer being stolen.

5: The first thing you do in the morning, even before you put a pair of panties on, is turn on your computer.

4: You find it incredibly easy to conduct a romantic relationship online, but find it almost impossible to do in reality.

3: You actually know who Leroy Jenkins is. (This is also a good sign that you might have a World of Warcraft addiction, but we’ll get to that.)

2: You can’t remember what day/month/year it is without looking at your desktop.

1: You don’t just own a computer, you actually collect ancient laptops and old computer components, because they’re cool.  (Oh crap I do this one. Ah feck it, have I told you all about my Compaq Aero Contura?)

Top Ten Signs that you might be – a dog owner.

So you have this cute ball of fluff in your home.  But are you really a dog owner?  Let’s see shall we?

You may also be a dog owner if you own one of these...Alternatively they may be a human owner.

10. You used to have a mostly black wardrobe.  Now it’s mostly white with the occasional patch of tan.  This of course is reversed if your pup has mostly black fur.

9. Speaking of your clothes.  They used to be made of cotton or velvet, silk or satin.  Now they’re mostly made of dog shedding.  On the plus side, they now stand up on their own a whole lot better.

8. Most of the pages of your favourite books now have little tooth marks around their edges.  I am reliably informed that this is also one of the top ten signs that you have a human toddler in the house.

7. Your back garden used to have beautifully raked patches of gravel, with tastefully positioned piles of river smoothed stones scattered artfully about.  Now you have a back garden that more resembles the Somme, with echoes of the escape tunnel from “The Great Escape”.

6. In fact when you look at your dog as she toddles off for a mad hour in the back you can actually hear the theme to “The Great Escape” in the back of your mind.  “I swear she just hid a spade made from a fish slicer behind her back.”

5. During phone calls your family and friends ask about the dogs health before they ask about yours.

4. Remember matching socks?  Well you know exactly where the match for the one your holding is.  It’s buried under the gravel somewhere in the back garden.  Your pretty sure that’s where your mobile phone and two of your bras are as well.

3. You’re planning a dirty weekend and the first thought to go through your head isn’t which bondage tape and paddles to bring with you.  No your first thought is to wonder who you can con into looking after the dog while you’re gone.

2. While you’re on your dirty weekend you should be licking whipped cream off the body of your helpless lover.  But instead you spend your time worrying that your pup might not have settled with her dogsitters.

1. You both used to wake up in the morning and eat each other for breakfast.  Now though you’ve discovered the ultimate aid to chastity.  It turns out that the first thing the dog likes to do in the morning is climb onto the bed between you both and get pissy if you do anything but show her affection.  Yes that’s right your puppy should have been named “PassionKiller”.