Why am I crying?

I don’t know anymore. I start crying over one thing, and by the end I’m crying over a dozen other things. I get angry for no real reason, and find myself sobbing for hours when my body just can’t contain that anger any longer. I’m fearless one minute, and then so scared I feel that my heart will shatter the next. I’m here to mind my mom, but I’m the one lying curled up on my bed barely able to breathe from panic, and from the tears that are falling so thickly that they have me guessing where the right key is to type “a”.

Ten years ago I transitioned and spent a decade working on becoming strong. But in 6 months I feel like all that strength has been  leached away. I feel like a burden to those I love, not a source of joy or support. I feel that I’m selfish, hateful, ugly, horrible. I feel I deserve nothing, nothing at all. Why should I when what I feel, does such a great job of dragging people I love down

AND I WANT THE REAL ME BACK!

I want to be adventurous again. I want to be the girl who learned to  make armor, “just cos”. I want to be the fearless rockclimber again, who hangs by her toes fifty feet above sharp rocks and laughs. I want to be the girl…I want to be the girl who pursues a potential love and succeeds, not the girl who pursues someone completely out of her league on purpose. Because I’m poly and should be seen being poly, and hey if the person I’m pursuing would never entertain being mine…well at least I’m not letting other poly-folk down.

I want to be brave again. I want to be able to leave my house, alone, without spending an hour humming and haaaing. Wondering if I can talk my way out of it, because it’s safer inside. I’m scared, I don’t want to end up under the Luas for real this time. I don’t want to be laughed at by anymore. I’m scared.

I want to be the girl who finds nothing but joy in my partner being with someone she loves once more. Instead of what ever the fuck I am now, this creature who sits here undeserving of her consideration.

I want to be the girl who deserves to be a fairygothmother.

I want to be the creative powerhouse again. The one who wrote a novel in 30 sessions.

I want to be able to remember what I said half an hour ago. I want to remember why I said what I said yesterday, and what I thought last week like I used to. Not this joke masquerading as my memory.

I want to stop hurting, one day without pain, please just one day. Just one hour even, fuck I’ll settle for a single, solitary minute. Please, no more pain.

I want to feel secure again. I don’t want the constant burning worry about money, my health, my family, my partner, my friends, my dogs, whether the front wall of the house will go and kill me in my sleep. (It won’t but I have a terribly active imagination.)

I don’t want to stare at the ceiling anymore, wondering if I can afford to waste 2 euro on a drawing pad, and then deciding to use it instead to  make someone else happy.

I want me back. Not this shadow of me. Not this joke of me. Not this paperdoll version of me who’s dancing in a fire she kindled for herself.

I want to be Miss Amanda, Alpha to my Mistresses House, joyful polyamorist, determined lover, creative writer, adventurer through life, terrible cook, okay friend again.

I want to be the girl men crossed the street to avoid again.

I want to be me.

Am I depressed? I don’t think so.

Am I hurting? Yes, but all I want is to stop crying, to be able to smile and mean it.

(This self indulgence will probably be taken down in an hour. But right now…I miss me so badly, so if you see her send her home, she’s very badly missed.)

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4 Comments to “Why am I crying?”

  1. Be strong. You need yourself. 🙂 xx

    • I’m doing my best, it’s been a very rough few months, and I’m struggling to see the light at the top of the well from way down here. I’ll get there though. I just hope the people I love will still be there when I do.

  2. I had similar experiences, panic, pressure, that the rug was going to be pulled from under me, that I’m undeserving of happiness, to the point that I couldn’t leave the house without having a panic attack and crying over nothing in particular. I went to my doctor and she referred me to a counsellor (it took me about 6 months to swallow my pride and actually TAKE the referral, but anyway) who she thought would suit me. And she was amazing. All I did was talk, ramble and spout what I thought was no sense, and she would listen ans say it back to me in a different way. It was a revelation. She helped me know things about myself that never occurred o me and it was just like talking to a friend, just a friend who is certified. Maybe ask your doctor or a friend who has similar experiences if they know someone? It really helped and there’s no shame in talking to someone.
    If you want to chat, find me on Facebook or email.
    Good luck, and it will get better.

    • Yeah, I’m now on a little chemical helper for my anxiety attacks, and am generally driving my Partner in Crime insane by talking everything through, over and over until the rational conclusions actually stick. It’s starting to work, but I know I have a horribly long road ahead of me.

      I discovered shortly after New Years that I have pretty bad PTSD from my childhood sexual abuse, and from a myriad of other traumas. And I just ran out of energy to keep it in check. Since the New Year I’ve been revving my engine faster every day just to stay still, but mostly I’ve been slipping backwards no matter how hard I try. But the fact that I can recognize that now means that I can in the end get my mind and emotions back under my own control.

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