Posts tagged ‘jokes’


You know it’s F**KING cold, and you have inadequate heating when…

Well I’m off to my moms for the weekend on Thursday, well my moms and a Friday evening with one of my adopted lil sisters. But that leaves me with a slight problem. This trip wasn’t really planned, meaning I didn’t have a couple of weeks to get ahead of myself work-wise. This leaves me with two written blogs, a video blog, AND a webcomic page to have done by Wednesday evening…you’re getting list posts. Sorry but that’s how it is, and seeing as for the past week my first thought every morning has been “Gee I wonder are my eyelids frozen together this time?” We’ll be starting with this.

(Most of this list is made in jest, but I did honestly think every single one over the past 7-10 days.)

You know it’s F**KING cold, and you have inadequate heating when…

…there’s semi-frozen slush on the insides of your bedroom windows.

…the idea of being smelly is more appealing than having half of your body exposed by the bath water.

…a shower sounds like a quick way to get colder.

…the dogs refuse to leave the living room, even to eat.

…they also refuse to leave the living room, to pee.

…or poop.

…you go outside, and realise it’s warmer outside than in your house.

…a long boring drive is appealing purely for the car heater.

…your computers cooler fans haven’t switched on in days, even though you’re playing a borderline playable game, at maximum graphic settings.

…you leave out dinner to defrost, and it doesn’t.

…you need a hammer, and chisel to remove the dog poop that is outside on the decking.

…Eastern Europeans are saying that the weather is getting a little nippy. (Extremely bad sign, those places have SERIOUSLY cold weather.)

…you don’t see a single overweight, florid faced man, in a t-shirt for days.

…going to bed, you still have your bed-clothes on underneath your day clothes.

…getting up the following morning, your first act is to put on your heaviest clothes, over your bedclothes for the third day in a row.

…your second act is putting on your hooded fleece, with hood up, to go eat breakfast.

…you can’t wait to empty the tumble-dryer, oh that glorious gust of hot air, and those lovely toasty warm linens to cuddle as you fold them.

…you stand with your hands in the sink for 10 minutes before you remember that you’re supposed to be washing the ware.

…you rush to empty the dishwasher so you can handle the dishes while they’re still roasting hot.

…you’re a Winter person, but you keep catching yourself thinking longingly of Summer.

…you actually consider renaming your dog “Winter” something a little warmer, like “Summer”, “Lava”, “Volcano” or “Heat-Death”.

…you slice your finger open, and don’t notice until the sandwich you were just making is ruined by the blood-pool.

…Hell sounds like a great vacation spot.

and last but far from least,

…you seriously consider moving out of the house you adore, just to be warm.


“…as the bishop said to the actress!”

I’m sure all of you have heard, or at least read the classic punch line “…as the bishop said to the actress.”  It’s the punch line to a joke that never really gets started purposefully.  I literally can’t begin to count the number of times myself, or a friend has ended an unintended double entendre with that phrase.  So I thought I would do my top ten favourite set ups for this classic sort of joke.

To take part simply recite “…as the bishop said to the actress!” at the end of each example.  Hope you enjoy, and of course, please feel free to comment and add more.

10. I was having blood taken and the nurse said “Ah sure, it’ll just be a little prick.”…

9.  Oh I was walk in the woods and I fell arse-first onto a tree root…

8.  *speaking of a small pet dog* Oh don’t way any attention to that little prick…

7.  …and they were the plumpest, juciest plums I ever sank my teeth into…

6.  …and they were the biggest, firmest melons I ever laid my hands on, even if they were a wee bit veiny…

5.  Now look, it’s far more scared of you, than you are of it…

4.  I bet you’ve never held one that big before…

3.  So how do you use one of these properly?

2.  …so there I was with it half in me pocket and half in me hand…

1.  Get your lips around that and it’ll do you the world of good…

So now it’s your turn.

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