A 14/34 year old Emo girl feels unattractive. So pass me the damn chocolate already!

Okay fair warning time. I’m writing a sort of diary entry type thing today to help myself process some of the stuff going on in my life right now. Well actually just one thing really. So this could probably come across a bit emo. So seeing as I’m a Puppygirl I will endeavor to make up for the vast streams of Emo kid in this post, by also linking in some of the cutest Emo-Dog pictures I can find. Anyway…

Cos I misses my mom when I feels yucky.

Up until recently I felt pretty damn beautiful, or, on a bad day, at the very least attractive. And why shouldn’t I? There’s nothing wrong with how I look. I’m busty, 12 stone and 5’10” tall. Great gothgirl hair, (I’m told) very kissable lips, Spanish eyes, and legs which are kind of ridiculously long. To quote my favourite ex “I’d so date myself.”

But while nothing has changed about my looks lately I’ve found myself feeling far less attractive. I’ve caught myself avoiding mirrors, and reflections. Walking with my head down, and avoiding other people’s eyes, where only a few short weeks ago I would have stared back in challenge. In short all the stuff I used to do ten years ago.

So I’m left wondering why I feel this insecure again. When I had believed that this, slightly broken version of me was a part of the past, not an aspect of the present, or future.

I think part of it is how sick I’ve been lately. To say I’ve undergone a drop in my quality of health would be to miss the perfect opportunity to use a metaphor based around waterfalls, and highly acidic, chocolate milk. It’s difficult to feel like anyone could possibly want you when you’re utterly convinced that you still smell after a diarrhea attack, when you’ve just finished your third shower of the day. (The last two being cold, because there’s only so much hot water, but damn it you still smell Missy!)

Another part is, as my own personal Velma said to me the other day, down to my having developed greater understanding of who I am. This new comprehension of my true nature having led to my outing myself as bisexual. This marks an immense change in my life, I spent the past ten years living as a lesbian transwoman. I was happy as one, I felt secure in the knowledge that I liked girls, and that at least some few liked me back. But now because I processed a large amount of stuff from my past, and present, I’ve found myself in the situation of having to regain my personal equilibrium as it applies to my sexuality, and my love life.

Not to mention the stress of knowing that the way I’ve heard some women who love women speak of bisexual girls will also be aimed at me now. Admittedly these are often the very same women who openly, and often loudly say how much happier they’d be if I (or any of the other women like me) had never been born. What with the causing them to question their own sexualities.

Add into this a house move, with all the stresses that go with that. Worry about my partner in crime, my mother, my lil sisters, my friends. It’s amazing I have any run time left over to even notice myself, much less not like what I see.

It will pass. I know it will. One of these days I’ll have a good day. My health will behave itself for 5 or 6 hours. I’ll get to goth up, and head into town for a day with someone I love. I’ll get stared at my lots of people, lusted after by more than a few, and by the end of the day I’ll feel like a Goddess again. But until then I have to keep reminding myself that I’m not actually what I feel I am right now. I’m not ugly, I’m not unattractive, I don’t smell bad, and my hair is fabulous. The pity is that reminding myself is one thing, convincing myself is quite another.

This foray by Amanda Harper into being possessed by a Goddess damned 14-year-old emo-girl as been brought to you by large quantities of chocolate, the letter “P”, and the number “9”. As in “P”issed off to the “9”th degree. Normal service will be resumed on Tuesday.

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2 Comments to “A 14/34 year old Emo girl feels unattractive. So pass me the damn chocolate already!”

  1. I love the humor you write with, even when you’re feeling shitty.

    The thing about being human is that sometimes we tread old ground for no apparent reason. But you’ve got reasons–that’s a hell of a lot of changes this year alone. And health stuff can drag you into the mental gutter quickly.

    It will pass. You are loved, you are sexy, you rock ass.

    hugs.

    • You know by now that I’m a firm believer in the old, “if you can’t laugh you can only cry” train of thought. And even at my most pessimistic, I’m not prone to just giving up, so I tend to find my own situation pretty funny most of the time. All the change in my life has been pretty extreme this year, especially considering that it’s not even April yet. And my health is really pulling me back, and down right now. But sure what can you do? You get up each morning, and keep fighting, ’cause if you stop fighting you’ll soon stop living.

      Thank Vic, I really do believe that it will pass, but it helps to unload a little. And even more when someone I admire as muich as you sends me lovings. 😉

      *hugs back*

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