A Students Guide to Cooking – Non-crunchy Porridge.

Yes, after a prolonged absence your favourite guide to cooking food fit for an Arts student is back. So far we’ve covered some of the most important cookery topics, cooking the perfect potato, tha romantic meal for two, dealing with the morning after a serious lash up, and of course when your mother comes to visit. But this time we’re covering the tricky topic of porridge. Porridge is an essential food for the financially strapped student. It’s cheap to buy, and cheap to make, thus maximising your available drinking money. But it’s tricky to get just right, so read on and Auntie Amanda will guide you on your journey to porridge perfection.

  1. Find a pot.
  2. It’s probably best if you now wash the pot.
  3. Reach for the package of porridge.
  4. Realise you forgot to buy it, and go to the shop for a bag.
  5. Return home, and measure out one cup full of oats, and pour into the pan.
  6. You can make porridge with either water, milk or a mix of both. I advise you go with the milk. It just tastes better. So go to the fridge.
  7. Return to the shop for a carton of milk.
  8. Measure out 3 full cups of milk, pour each of them into the pan with the oats.
  9. Now, you’ve worked hard so chill out for half an hour while you let the oats soak up that milky goodness. Have a beer, bought with the money you’ve saved by deciding to live on 90% porridge for the next three years.
  10. Pause “The Evil Dead” (The cool kids still watch that, right?) and return to the kitchen. Turn on the cooker ring which, and I can not state this strongly enough, has the pan on it.
  11. Bring the porridge to a soft gentle boil, stirring constantly.
  12. Turn down the cooker, and allow to cook for a minimum of ten minutes. The packaging on your porridge will say less but ignore those instructions, they’re wrong. They were after all written by some pencil pushing bureaucrat in an office somewhere in Europe, and you’re a renegade porridge cooker who goes his/her own way when it comes to the cooking of porridge!
  13. Somewhere in those ten minutes get distracted by your extremely hot housemate (of any gender, that preference is entirely up to you) walking, possibly naked who knows what might happen, into the kitchen.
  14. Pour your porridge into a bowl.
  15. Put the now dirty porridge pot into the sink, and leave for 24 hours before cleaning, after all no need to rob yourself of a challenge.
  16. Sweeten, salt, or add jam to your porridge to suit your own tastes.
  17. Taste porridge.
  18. Note with satisfaction that it is in fact creamy, with a pleasing soft texture in your mouth.
  19. Note with dissatisfaction that it also tastes like that time aged 7 you tried to make custard and ended up with nothing but a pot filled with burn.
  20. Order a take-away.
  21. Beg parents/bank manager/any god of your choice  for more money for “tuition”.

And there we have it. How to make perfectly un-crunchy porridge. So enjoy your take-away, and next time we’ll discuss how to make a pizza.

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