Archive for January 17th, 2012


My plans for my coffin!

I think it’s very clear by now to one and all that I am a gothgirl. In fact I’m one of the most cheery, happiest goth girls you’ll ever meet. No moping around, thinking about death, and writing lousy poetry for me. Nope. I’m off out to flirt with hot girls, eat sweet things, and generally enjoy life. But at some stage we all have to consider the ultimate destination of our lives. Death.

Actually you know what? Forget that. Instead let us speak of the awesomeness that are coffins, and the stupidity they represent.

Stupidity first. They’re hideously expensive pieces of woodwork, which will only ever be seen for a few hours. Then after those few hours they’re either;

a: buried, and slowly rot over the coming years, in a remarkably similar way to our current economic climate.


b: you’re hauled out of them and burned to a crisp. While the crematorium makes a further killing off of your loved ones investment in your eternal comfort, by reselling the damned thing to someone else.

This to me seems nuts. Coffins are expensive, according to the Irish Independent they start for a mid-range one in Ireland at about €800, and from there the sky is almost the limit. Though perhaps the Earths core would be a better limit to set, all things considered. How is this expense to stick someone in the ground not bat-shit crazy?

I on the other hand have a better idea. Let us consider the sage words of Miss Abby Sciuto, as portrayed by the divine Miss Pauley Perrette, shall we?

You see I’m totally with her on this. Not the sleeping in a coffin. I actually prefer a well sprung mattress, with a thick duvet, and a nice memory foam pillow myself. But getting years of enjoyment from your coffin? That sounds like a spiffing idea to me. So my plans? Well they all start with my being a woodworker.

Nope I’m not kidding, I really am a woodworker. So as soon as I have my own permanent place  of residence I’m going to build my coffin. I’m thinking a deep, deep almost black purple carbon fibre shell, with reclaimed, and upcycled mahogany or ebony (nicely carved and finished)  for the handles and decorations. Of course it must be lined in a really delicious deep purple velvet. Nice, and dark, but tasteful. But what to do with it then? I mean such a waste to build it and then just leave it in a shed for the next few decades.

I’ve had several ideas over the years since I decided on this course of action. In no particular order some of them included;

  • A drinks cabinet.
  • A coffee table.
  • A BDSM toybox.
  • A box for my carpentry tools.
  • A rather large bed for my puppy. (Imagine how cute a white beagle would look asleep in that!)
  • And finally my personal second favourite. A book-case for my BDSM and kink related books.

But I decided against most of them for various reasons which included causing my Partner in Crimes granddaughters to freak out, the danger of my puppy getting locked in, and the fact that there’s no way in hell my Miss would ever give up that BDSM toy box.

So now I’ve decided instead to build it, and then standing it on end use it as a case for my musical instruments. Just imagine that dark, beautiful coffin.

Can you see it? Good.

Now imagine it with two rows of hangers, the top ones for ukuleles, the bottom ones for mandolins. And the coffin filled to the brim with musical yumness.

So can you honestly say that that’s not a good idea? Years of entertainment, and happiness provided by my own coffin, built by my own fair, rather scarred  hands.

Admit it you want one! So in the future you can expect a series of articles not only on how this works out, but also on whether I still have a Partner in Crime at the end of it. *gulps*

And now back to Miss Pauley Perrette! *happy sigh*

*sigh* A dreamgirl or what? (Image via

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