One of these things is not like the others…

As you gather experience in cooking for yourself you’ll come across new foodstuffs, and other new substances. Some of these will look cosmetically similar, but trust me when I say that they truly are not. So here we have five sets of somewhat easily confused foods (if you happen to be a brain damaged puppy, or a drunken student), and other items, as a basic beginners guide to what works, and what really doesn’t.

1: Cabbage and lettuce.

Yes these are somewhat easy to confuse. Both are leafy, both are green, both are sort of ball-shaped. However if you boil lettuce it quickly becomes slimy, and tasteless. Where as cabbage becomes…well as far as I’m concerned it also becomes slimy and tasteless, but hey that’s my opinion.

Lettuce, cut it up, check for bugs, eat it.

Cabbage, cut it up, check for bugs, boil it, and throw in the tra…eat it.

2: Butter and cheese.

Now while butter and cheese do look superficial similar, yellow and block shaped, they are in fact rather different. For one thing if you eat butter the same way you eat cheese, your heart will end up exploding. Mind you if you eat cheese the same way you breathe air much the same thing will eventually happen, so appropriate relative moderation is probably the key here.

Butter, is smoother looking, and greasy to the touch. Scrap it off and scrap it thinly onto bread…eat it.

Cheese, carry it in your handbag, slice it up, eat it anywhere, anytime.

3: Popcorn and Styrofoam.

This is an easy mistake to make. They do look rather similar, and have much the same texture, as well as  flavor. But while one will just bung you up, the other will bung you up before tearing you a brand new arsehole on the way out. Guess which one is which.

Popcorn, cook it, salt it, eat it. Remember that butter on it is evil, and that you’re going to have a sore backside shortly.

Styrofoam, use it for insulation. Seriously don’t eat this no matter how drunk you are, or how good an idea it seems right now.

4: Brussel sprouts and green plasticine.

You’re on your own with this one. Seriously either way just, ewww.

5: Real beer and American beer.

I felt I should round this one up with a beverage every student will recognise. With one of these the barman tops up the barrel by tapping straight into the mens room. With the other you have liquid bread, which I understand can be good for you. However which is which is a very simple exercise in deductive reasoning. The recycled form starts with the letter “A”, the good one doesn’t.


American beer, don’t, just don’t. If you really want to drink piss go and hire a good professional dominatrix willing to supply. At least it’ll be sterile when fresh.

Real Beer, guzzle it. Especially if it’s liberally flavoured with ginger.

2 Comments to “One of these things is not like the others…”

  1. Ah, well, if you go around BOILING cabbage there’s your problem right there. Same goes for pretty much any vegetable really, with the cautious exception of potatoes, occasionally.

    Roasting. Frying. Steaming, if you’re determined to avoid getting any delicious fat on them. But for the love of little beansprouts, put down the kettle and back away slowly!

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