My Top 5 Alternative Christmas Songs.

Now that we’ve truly begun the slide towards the international silly season, I felt it might by a good time to discuss Christmas music. You see too much of it is complete, and utter trash.  I don’t care if you’ve been dreaming of a white Christmas. We’ve had two (or is it three?) of those in a row now, and I never, ever want to see another one. I don’t give a damn if Rudolph pulls the blasted sleigh, or if he gets put down, and turned into Sunday lunch for the hungry elves. And don’t even get me started on dancing around a Christmas tree. I mean seriously who the hell has their tree far enough out from the wall that you can physically dance around it?

No when it comes to my Christmas music I find myself looking for a musical arrangement with a bit of an edge. Something that has a message to spread. And if it’s mean, nasty, speaks about mental breakdowns from being overworked, or if it even warns of the dangers of getting over the suicide of your goth girlfriend too quickly, well that’s just a bonus.

So here we have my top 5 alternative Christmas songs. Or as I think of them, UnChristmas songs. Enjoy.

5: Achmed the Dead Terrorist – Jingle Bombs.

He may be made of rubber. He may speak with a funny accent. He may even have an American guys hand up his ass. But Achmed really knows how to put the laughs into a Christmas song.

4: Corey Taylor – XM@$.

The first time I heard this song, by the lead singer of the excellent Avenged Sevenfold (Woooops, my bad, I got confused by names while writing this. In reality Corey Taylor is lead singer with the absolutely fantastic Slipknot and Stone Sour.), I genuinely found myself agreeing with 99% of the thoughts he expressed.  Because frankly I too know where you can shove those jingling bells.

3: Frank Kelly – Christmas Countdown.

Better known as Father Jack Hackett from the television show Father Ted, here Frank Kelly gives a well thought out warning of why too much generosity can be a truly awful thing.

2: Weird Al Yankovich – The Night Santa Went Crazy.

He’s over-worked, over-stressed, and now he’s massively over-armed.  Weird Al explains exactly why Santa’s workshop vanished without a trace several years ago.

1: Sohodolls – Dead by Christmas.

Look if your girl kills herself just before Christmas you better expect that she’s going to haunt you. So it’s just polite to not sleep with someone else in her bed, after feeding your new squeeze her good red wine. But if you do Maya Von Doll of the Sohodolls has a little warning for you of what to expect.

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One Comment to “My Top 5 Alternative Christmas Songs.”

  1. What it lacks in subtlety it makes up for in swearing –
    This one got stuck in my head for two fecking months when I worked at Santa’s Kingdom in Naas.

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