You’re lying in bed. It’s so warm and snuggly. Well in fairness you’ve been lying there asleep for the last two hours so it should be. But now suddenly, with night still wrapped around you, a most unwelcome feeling has crept in, disturbing your well deserved rest. That’s right, you have to get up and pee.
It’s probably just an unavoidable part of getting older. But where-as a couple of years ago I could sleep for twelve hours without having to use the bathroom, now I can just about get three or maybe four hours of blissful dreams. Usually that’s fine. I mean I’m not exactly happy to traipse bare-foot across this apartments cold, wooden floors (often to a muttered litany of inventively used expletives) at Oh My Goddess O’clock. But hey, whatever, I get up, use the en-suite bathroom and a few minutes later a slightly chillier Amanda is climbing back into her still nice and warm bed.
Unfortunately though sometimes I don’t get to sleep in the bedroom with the en-suite. It might be because the Force of Nature has come to stay and has to sleep with her nanny. It may be because my own health has hit such a low ebb that it physically hurts when someone moves even the smallest amount in the bed next to me. Or then again, it could simply be because I’m in the middle of a truly epic case of insomnia.
So I’m lying asleep in my own room, surrounded by my books, tools, random computer components, and of course my drawing table. And suddenly I’m awake with that feeling of urgent pressure I’ve come to know and dread. Right then guess I better get up and go to the bathroom. So off I wander to the main bathroom, somehow avoiding stepping on the sometimes numerous, random often painful things scattered liberally on my bedroom floor. Out into the pitch black hallway and finally safely through the door into the equally dark bathroom. Weirdly I usually forget to turn on lights when I wake up at Oh My Goddess O’clock, no idea why, it’s just one of those things that make me, me.
So panties down, bum on toilet seat and get on with the job at hand. Then out of nowhere this freezing cold, damp, squidgy thing touches my leg. It’s at this particular moment that being already enthroned on porcelain is a very good thing, because otherwise, I would definitely end up standing in the center of a slowly spreading pool of warm, yellow liquid. So yeah the cold, damp, squidgy thing, it is of course Winters nose, the main bathroom usually doubles as her bedroom, (except for when the Force of Nature is staying, then she sleeps at the Forces feet). Or thanks to Terry Pratchett’s turn of phrase, what I think of as “The Cold Nose Of Dog!”
I don’t know how many of my readers have had the experience of warm flesh meeting doggy nose, while being mostly still asleep. Well suffice to say there really are very few, more effective, or more horrifying ways to be brought fully awake. And that experience is so much worse when you experience it while sitting on the porcelain throne at Oh My God O’clock.
But as bad as it is being brought to full consciousness by cold liquid puppy mucus, if you’re me something worse now happens. You remember that the average dog has night vision four times more acute than a humans. You realise that if even in the dark of night you can see well-defined shadows, well then your dog is staring right at you in glorious sepia-tone, while you sit there trying to pee…now that’s the moment that tests the purge setting of your bladder control.
I just felt I should share that little thought, so you can carry it with you into sleep. You’re welcome.