Right let’s make one thing frikkin’ clear, okay?

I’m a member of a few different dating websites.  After all, being a sufferer of a chronic illness kind of limits my opportunities for having a social life, and thus rather truncates my potential dating pool.  Though not as much as being a girl with a very much oversized, non-vagina adjacent clitoris does.

While dating websites can be a useful tool for increasing the odds of getting a date, that is precisely what they are mostly filled with.  Tools, I mean.  Seriously, dating websites seem to be almost overflowing with the sort human specimens who make my skin itch at the mere thought of sharing the gene pool with them.  All sub-human life is there.  From the guy who claims to be 40, while his profile picture makes it abundantly clearly that he went to school with Methuselah.  To the fuck ugly guy who has two profiles, one of them listed as female, just so lesbians won’t miss his profile.  After all, the only reason they’re lesbian is because they haven’t had the right cock, and his is the right cock.  And when he’s in his cups he’ll even proudly boast that he’s had sex with lesbians before, two of them, at the same time.

Sure mate, we believe you.

The other side of the coin is of course the woman, who despite clearly being closely related to Moby Dick, claims to be size 12.  Of course it’s the truth, she was a size 12, when she WAS 12.  But somehow she doesn’t see the other 12 dress sizes, which have magically appeared since.  Of course they do say the camera puts a few pounds on everyone, but there’s a significant difference between a few pounds and a few hundred pounds.  And when you’re sure you can see a Japanese whaling ship in the background of her photo…well.

Oh and what about the married woman trawling the internet for a lesbian lover?  “My husband approves and he doesn’t want to be involved.  He just wants me to be happy…and to watch.”

Has anyone ever fallen for that one?  Seriously?  He doesn’t want to be involved…watching IS being involved and I would be stunned if his  one incher didn’t heave pathetically into view and a random (in either woman) orifice at some stage.  With or without consent.

You see, that’s the problem I’ve discovered with all dating websites.  So many people are assholes.  All they want is to get their end away and they’ll often do or say anything to make it happen.  Lying outrageously  about age or dress size being the very least of it.

And if your lesbian the problems only multiply.   You see unless you’re on a lesbian dating website most men, and a lot of women too, tend to see you as an easy route to a threesome.  After all being lesbian is all about sex right?  But if you add in being transgendered, you really are dipping yourself in honey and then throwing yourself to the bears.  You see according to the vast majority of messages I receive on various websites, a lesbian transwoman is just confused.

You’re either confused about your gender, and thus need to have sex with the messenger because that will show you that you’re either;

A: really just a confused guy, who just needs to be ridden hard by the right woman to realise the truth.

or

B: really a gay guy, who just needs to be ridden hard by any guy to realise the truth.

While the truth is that those people just want to use you for their own totally deniable bisexual experience.

Of course the alternative is that you are female, and simply confused about your sexuality.  But again the cure involves them getting their wicked way with you.

Right so let’s clear some things up.  I don’t give a solitary flying fuck whether you’re 20, 40, 60 or you were there for the sack of Constantinople.  If you’re male and you message a lesbian you have two chances, none and go fuck yourself.  Oh and if you message this transgirl to inform her that I just need the right cock, your cock, to fix me, well guess what dopey-dick, I already have the right cock!  It’s a girlie one and it’s my own.

In addition if you’re female and you insist on claiming miniscule dress sizes, in direct contravention to the international ordinances on the weighing and measurement of harpooned whales, don’t be surprised when I literally wet myself from laughing.

Oh and when your hubby says he doesn’t want to be involved, you can be 90% certain that he’s trying to manipulate you into arranging a three-way for him.  Cause after all, how could any woman, hot and horny resist him and his toadstool like penis, complete with those warty growths you sometimes get on the nastier looking fungi…and penises.

But let’s clear the air, I don’t hate men.  Barring two or three very special ones, they simply don’t figure in my life.  Being lesbian is not a choice, nor is it an illness and the right cock can not in any way cure it.  So show enough respect to not have a second profile, identical to your main one, apart from the gender box.  And don’t lie about your age, it only makes you look like a fucking eejit.

And I adore women, slim ones, large ones, big and small busted ones, oh, not forgetting leggy ones.  Kittengirls, rubber and leatherwomen, older or younger, shorter or taller.  All that matters is that they’re honest and they actually are themselves.  Nothing is more attractive than the confidence to be yourself.

Just because it’s a website does not mean you can throw aside common courtesy.  Just because I am gay and not gender conforming, does not give you the right to sexualise or fetishise everything about me.

In short if you wouldn’t say or do it in person don’t do it online. If you wouldn’t get away with the lie in reality, well, you’ll still get found out in the end regardless.  And then I’ll wet myself laughing at you.

By the way to the married lady, if your hubby does try to get directly involved don’t be surprised if the night ends in a trip to casualty.  Anyone who gives a lot of cunnilingus will have a bite strength comparable to a crocodiles, and if they’re lesbian, will likely have a very similar temperment in that situation.

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