A review of future events – the royal wedding.

This being my review day, I of course had to write a review.  So I thought why not do something unique, a review of future history, my experience of the royal wedding.

Now let’s face  it people, no other nation on Earth does unnecessarily over the top, pomp and circumstance like the British. That being the case I of course will be having a very special royal wedding day.

It will begin with the arrival at approximately 8am of a young child.

After saying a far too early “hello” to the child, I will most likely roll over and grab another 40 winks.  These 40 winks will probably include a snoring dog on the bed, said child kicking me in the back with feet like blocks of ice and my partner complaining loudly about the power point on the electric blanket digging into her back.

About 11am I will roll out of bed, turn on the telly and find a channel which is not going on about the royal wedding.  Most likely this will have to be Discovery or Dave, but documentaries about Nazi’s or reruns of Top Gear are always welcome.

After finishing the housework, my breakfast and playing with the invading child, a little gaming might be in order.  So the digital crack that is Minecraft will be loaded and an hour of punching cows, chickens and pigs will ensue, to the delighted squeals of a worryingly digitally sadistic little girl.

After a light lunch, once more avoiding anything that mentions the royal wedding, perhaps a run out to her cousin will happen.  Her cousin has built the most delicious house in a nearby townland, so while the child can play with another child, the adults will nose around all the fixtures and fittings again.  This leading to much jealousy and an overwhelming need for large quantities of vodka.

At about 6pm the child will be taken home, followed down the road by relieved sighs.

By the time the child has left the royal wedding will be past history, however carelessly switching the television on for the remainder of the day might still result in being blinded by pomp and mentally scarred by circumstance.  So viewing of Clash of the Titans, The Omen, the entire Resident Evil collection and perhaps even Bubbahotep will most like being the order of the day.

So there you have in a nutshell my royal wedding experience.  Filled with fun, frolics, vodka and zombies.  Not to mention a young girl asking over and over “where’s my mommy?”

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4 Comments to “A review of future events – the royal wedding.”

    • I rather assumed that many people had beaten me to it. Being Irish I don’t really read British newspapers. But Charlie Brooker is a funny dude and obviously I totally agree with his sentiments. 😉

  1. Sounds like a marvellous Royal Wedding day to me!

    • I couldn’t add some of the better aspects of my royal wedding day, owing to my desire to keep this blog at least womewhere within earshot of PG-13. 😉

      I will say that Bubbahotep could be replaced by any Bruce Campbell movie. They’re all great, I just have a particular love for Bubbahotep.

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