Top Ten Signs that you might be – a dog owner.

So you have this cute ball of fluff in your home.  But are you really a dog owner?  Let’s see shall we?

You may also be a dog owner if you own one of these...Alternatively they may be a human owner.

10. You used to have a mostly black wardrobe.  Now it’s mostly white with the occasional patch of tan.  This of course is reversed if your pup has mostly black fur.

9. Speaking of your clothes.  They used to be made of cotton or velvet, silk or satin.  Now they’re mostly made of dog shedding.  On the plus side, they now stand up on their own a whole lot better.

8. Most of the pages of your favourite books now have little tooth marks around their edges.  I am reliably informed that this is also one of the top ten signs that you have a human toddler in the house.

7. Your back garden used to have beautifully raked patches of gravel, with tastefully positioned piles of river smoothed stones scattered artfully about.  Now you have a back garden that more resembles the Somme, with echoes of the escape tunnel from “The Great Escape”.

6. In fact when you look at your dog as she toddles off for a mad hour in the back you can actually hear the theme to “The Great Escape” in the back of your mind.  “I swear she just hid a spade made from a fish slicer behind her back.”

5. During phone calls your family and friends ask about the dogs health before they ask about yours.

4. Remember matching socks?  Well you know exactly where the match for the one your holding is.  It’s buried under the gravel somewhere in the back garden.  Your pretty sure that’s where your mobile phone and two of your bras are as well.

3. You’re planning a dirty weekend and the first thought to go through your head isn’t which bondage tape and paddles to bring with you.  No your first thought is to wonder who you can con into looking after the dog while you’re gone.

2. While you’re on your dirty weekend you should be licking whipped cream off the body of your helpless lover.  But instead you spend your time worrying that your pup might not have settled with her dogsitters.

1. You both used to wake up in the morning and eat each other for breakfast.  Now though you’ve discovered the ultimate aid to chastity.  It turns out that the first thing the dog likes to do in the morning is climb onto the bed between you both and get pissy if you do anything but show her affection.  Yes that’s right your puppy should have been named “PassionKiller”.